Tasting justice, tasting vengeance or just tasting the crime?

June 24, 2020 - Facebook post

I'm so nervous I can't focus! The film website is experiencing traffic like crazy...every minute or so someone new from Wisconsin, despite no news coverage in the past two weeks. So this tells me people have their calendars marked. My stomach is a series of knots and flip-flops.

I keep trying to disappear from social media because it is just better for me, but without an outlet to "write," my voice is overflowing from my body. I think tomorrow I need to go somewhere...anywhere...but it is supposed to rain/storm all freaking day.

Agent K popped in to make fun of Fed's last-minute panic and how he has been trying to break into my social media accounts. She keeps telling me to "be giddy" and "relish in" his fear. She speaks of his desperation...weakness as a human...how "this is where you finally really get him." To me, it isn't so much about avenging, but about containing. The governor's office emailed me about the "Open Letter RE: Sentencing" that I posted on the web. But I didn't respond...I told the crime contributor to TV networks that I have nothing to say about "crime," and I'm generally laying low. I'm a bit freaked out, but in a positive "THIS SHIT IS ALMOST OVER" kind of way. Seven years of total and pure hell. Seven years is almost "yesterday."

48 hours from now, exactly...I finally get to sit down and quit fighting. It's hard to imagine not having all of this weighing on my brain. I imagine how I can go back to being "me" and just doing what I do...like even going for a walk and not having to think twice about safety or "fuck the system." Incredible. Incredible...

All day tomorrow is actually slated for writing my Victim Impact Statement. How in the hell you sum up seven years of stalking and terror in one little letter and read it aloud is beyond me, at this moment. It is dark to have to relive everything in my head to just write it. That's why I have not yet done it. I don't want to think about such things...

Debating doing a Facebook live of the sentencing hearing here, but not sure yet. It is a lot of stress, so I don't know that I will have the wherewithal to pull that off. I should just for "history" sake...but I don't think I can focus on coordinating tech while dealing with the emotion of it all.

I don't think most people realize how much this shit sits on your brain and doesn't budge despite everyday life needs. I don't go to the grocery store without it following me, I don't go for a walk without knowing I am doing so to escape "it," I don't go to the doctor without having to discuss whether I am doing okay because of "this," I can't socialize, I can't cook for myself because there is just too much stress and I forget burners or the oven is turned on for hours...burn everything...so I have lived this life of just sustaining. For almost a decade, only sustaining. Who will I be next week, when this is done? Imagine not carrying anger at law enforcement, the courts, my offender and people who just do stupid shit to me because they don't believe my "story?" Imagine having all of those brain cells to use for something else??? It sounds like Heaven and I've been so scared I will have a heart attack from the release. Like, wouldn't that be my luck...die of a heart attack after finally closing this chapter?

I think back to crazy friends...one in particular who kept trying to convince me that all of this is a figment of my imagination and that her sister "also has delusions of feds following her around." I came into where I was living after a car chase by Fed and his idiot Cadillac buddy...and she refused to believe it actually happened, that my shaking was due to a factual event. It was so maddening, living with this crazy on a daily basis and having to do it by myself because no one else can handle my reality... For those kind of people, stick it up your bum sideways.

I try not to think of him going free...but I am at a point of peace with ANY term behind bars. ANY time will scare him to death. It won't scare him straight, but it will terrorize him on a daily basis. The dark side of this in me craves him feeling some of the extended period terror that i have felt for so many years as a matter of "course." Feel it. Live it. Cry over it. Fear it. As Agent K says, it will not keep him from reoffending. It will likely lead him to murder the next victim after release...but there is that hope that it -- and I -- will haunt him, whatever he chooses to attempt from here forward.

...and STILL I sit here typing this and have a flashback of the taste of that St. Michael medallion he put in our mouths during the crime. Just like cops to try to claim St. Michael the Archangel for themselves...he is not David Scott Scharlat's saint. I know that for a fact.